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Dear mother,

    I am not a lobster.

    You have no idea how hard that was for me to say. But I figured that it was just... time to say it. College has been a period of finding things out, for me. I have discovered who I am... By a process of elimination. I just shed all the things that I am not. And here I am.

I am not a preppy
I am not a rutabega
I am not a small lump of putty
I am not very good at eating choco tacos
and I am not
Nor will I be
Nor have I ever been
Now will I ever time travel to mess around with the grammatical tenses concerned with the fact that I am not
A lobster.

It took several hours in a sensory deprivation tank to find myself this way. I also found my car keys so it was a very good day for me. Now only one thing remains to be said, can I come back home, now that you know this?
    That was a question, not a carrot.

    I feel at once liberated and chained down. I now know that my destiny is not the sea. But I do not know how this will affect the rest of my life. To be honest, I'm a bit afraid. How will I deal with telling my friends? They liked me as a lobster, they accepted me, respected me. Sure there were the bad butter jokes, pretty much non-stop, but aside from that I feel they really liked me as a lobster. How will they deal with my being merely "The Rob-ster"?

    I really need your support right now, this is a very difficult time for me. Break the news to Fido Dad gently. I don't know how he will take this, especially.

    I have to go now. They're playing "rock lobster" on the radio, and I don't want to get tears all over this letter and smudge it. i know how much you hate smudgy letters. (Remember that time with the wooden spoon and the furby? Good times...)

    If you won't have me back, I must leave at once for the seaside. Please reply post-haste.

                                                                                              Your anxious lobster son,
                                                                                                                                              Rob (ster)

P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like of Q and R were eliminated.
P.P.S. Tell Sis to give me back my blue man group dvd. I will be needing it soon if all goes according to plan.. (Will tell more in forthcoming letter.)
P.P.P.S. for those of you who think I've lost my mind, this letter was a CreW assignment.
P.P.P.P.S. But I HAVE lost my mind. Hoo hoo!